In My Element(s)…

A bit of an update, as it’s been a while. We’ve been quite busy lately with healing, work, and various social obligations, but this past Friday presented us with a few brief hours of respite, and gave me a chance to put my hands into the Earth again after what seemed like an eternity.

I love working in the garden.

What to some people may seem like just a few square yards of questionable soil surrounded by chicken wire and weeds is, for me, both Sanctuary and a connection to Pachamama’s greater Mystery.

I picked up the lettuce, spinach, onions, and tomatoes at the Lowe’s down the street from us, and I threw myself into the rototilling. After turning over the soil – a precarious mix of Jersey sand, hard pan clay, topsoil, and organic compost – I stood silently for a few moments, drew a small pinch of tobacco from my pouch, and offered a prayer of thanks to the Great Spirit and the seven directions before sprinkling the tobacco over the freshly tilled earth.

Soon the tomatoes and the leafy greens were in. The onions had been soaking for a while, and so I set to work placing them into their new home. Is I drew the loose soil around the last of the onions, I thought about watering them a bit before I mulched them. I remarked to myself that the first water that touched them should be rain. At that precise moment, a small raindrop splashed the back of my hand. I laughed, and thanked Creator and the Thunder Beings for their gift. I noticed that a very fine mist had formed, and reached down to find that that the lawn was soaking wet. In my absorption with the Garden, I’d failed to notice the almost imperceptible rain that had been my constant companion.

As I stood up to stretch, the sky, which had until that time been heavily overcast, parted to reveal a brilliant patch of blue, and the sun poked through for the very first time that morning.

I went to the hose to wash my hands, and a gust of wind nearly blew my hat away. As I headed to the garage for a couple of tools, something suddenly dawned on me. The Earth of the garden, the Water of the rain, the Fire of the Sun, and the warm Breath of the wind had all come to supervise my meager project, bringing with them the blessings of the Elementals and the reassurance that life is life, and that in the Creator’s eyes, all life is sacred…

One little push. . .

It’s been an interesting ride, to say the least, balancing a full-time day job along with a marriage, healing practice, online education, and the usual assortment of life-stuff. To be blunt, for most of the last year and a half, there were many times when I felt as if I were literally being drawn and quartered. Some of it was my increasing mundane workload playing against the rapid spiritual changes I’ve been experiencing; but a good deal of it can be chalked up to the cluttered conditions of my own personal head-space.

Eventually, predicaments like this generally end up working themselves out. It’s a matter of muddling through and treading water until the tension breaks. For me, that moment came the other night.

I was blowing off steam about my situation for the hundredth time to my wife (I fully acknowledge how difficult this particular stretch has been for her, and I also realize how blessed I am to have found a partner who, even while facing her own questions about where to go with life, is willing to simply listen and be supportive.) In the midst of it all, I looked up and said, “I’m not asking for much here. I don’t want to hit the lottery. I don’t need to know how it’s all going to work out. I just need a little push. Just a little sign to show me where I’m headed; something so clear that I can’t possibly miss it.”

Tired and frustrated, I went to bed shortly afterwards, and the answers came that very night in the following dream.

I‘m standing in front of a Doctoral level math class, which I’m expected to teach despite my being an English major. Behind me stands an older professor taking notes on my performance. Then I remember that before the class can begin, I need to lead them in a song. I fumble through a hymnal, and before I can find something appropriate, a group of women in the class begins to sing. I attempt to sing with them, and they all fall silent.

I have no clue as to what I’m supposed to lecture the class about, and everyone in the room begins to sense this.

Suddenly, an idea hits me. “What were the problems you covered in the last class?” I ask.

The professor smiles, nods, and starts to write something down on his clipboard.

The class begins to answer, and everything they say goes completely over my head.

The professor steps up to the board, draws a diagram, and begins to explain it to me as if I’m fully versed in what he’s showing me.

This scene fades, and I’m standing in a mall. Ahead of me are the Math professor, a security guard, and a rustically beautiful woman with olive skin and a short boyish haircut. I’m aware that she and I have very strong romantic feelings for one another, but up to this point, we’ve really only flirted.

As I approach the group, the professor and the security guard turn to leave. The woman walks over to me and we embrace. We turn to walk through the mall, our arms around the small of each other’s backs, and she turns toward me and kisses me very lovingly. I return the kiss, and then I feel myself wanting to be more forceful. As I try to kiss her more passionately, I’m aware at my sense of disappointment at how gentle she’s being. With that, the dream shifts, and I’m staring at a bathtub drain with a stopper covering it. I grab the chain, and then I wake-up.

Looking back on it all, the first part of the dream reflects recent changes in my work environment. Due to shifts in the official structure, I now find myself surrounded by highly technical people. I’m often amazed – and not a little bit humbled – by their knowledge. This often leaves me feeling like an outsider. And yet, because of my Training position, there’s often an assumed level of knowledge on my part. Being a non-technical person by nature, it’s ironic to find myself in the position of IT Trainer, and the people around me sometimes don’t quite know how to take me.

The second part of the dream speaks to one of the central issues I’ve been facing since I began seriously walking this path. The woman, a beautiful and earthy balance of masculine and feminine qualities, clearly represents my calling to a life of healing work. I know that should I completely devote myself to it, the practicality and security of my daytime job – as represented by the Math professor and security guard – will completely go away. That being said however, I know that there will eventually come a time where in order to fully serve my Creator and All My Relations, that this is exactly the step that I must take. And yet, as her reactions to my advances in the dream clearly demonstrate, I must be patient, and come to this gently. Otherwise, as the somewhat obvious third part of the dream suggests, I’ll pull too hard, and everything will go down the drain.

Since the dream I’ve had a better perspective on things. The duties of my job are starting to change, and falling more in line with what I’d originally envisioned them to be. My sense of dedication to my healing work has also been renewed. I’ve come to know a deeper sense of peace with myself and my surroundings. And I have been shown, yet again, that the Creator turns no deaf ear to the words of those in need. . .

Walk. . .

The drum has carried me now for almost seven years. I am an infant, crawling at the feet of the Grandmothers and Grandfathers who sat upon the hill with tear stained eyes and sang their prayers to the rising sun through lips cracked and parched.

You do not choose to walk this path; the path chooses you. And when it does, you cannot help but follow. It hunts you, draws you in, governs every decision you’ll make until the day you drop your robe and return to all that is.

You will leave a great deal of yourself scattered upon the road behind you as you walk. You will lose your friends. You will lose your family. You will lose the places you used to go and the people you used to be; but having paid that fee, you will gain your freedom.

These you will call upon for their counsel in the loneliness of your days: the River, the Wind, the Earth, the Spirits. And if you are worthy, and your reasons pure and unencumbered by thoughts of personal gain, they will answer you in a language beyond words.

Do not enter here unless you are prepared to bar the door behind you.

This is not a game. This is not a fad. This road is not a peaceful journey towards the gentle fields of enlightenment. It is hunger. It is shadow. It is fire. It is pain. It is humility. It is joy. It is truth.

The nights are wild and full of shapes that dance along the edges of your vision.

The mornings are dappled gold and sinewy gray.

You burn with the light of creation itself; and you weep for the pain of every living thing.

You will know the suffering of others, and walk between their nightmares. You will know their fears in ways even they cannot.

And for your labors you’ll receive a bit of fur, the occasional feather, and answers to the thousand questions of your life. . .and ten thousand more will rise to take their place. . .

Gratitude…

Luke Skywalker: “I don’t believe it.”
Yoda: “That…is why you fail.”

I am no longer amazed by the generosity of the Universe. Instead, I have come to accept it as being as much a part of its existence as the very air we breathe.

I’ve been in a pretty strange place these last few weeks. I’ve been drifting quite a bit, and feeling like most of the world has been slipping away. I’ve been lost, and emotionally rocky, but somehow through it all, I’ve not lost the awareness that it’s simply part of the changing patterns of my life; and that once I’ve walked through it, I’ll be much better for the experience.

As I alluded to in my last post, I attended a very powerful sweat lodge last Saturday which was poured by a very loving Elder whose humble and mirthful ways speak volumes of his power and connection to Spirit. I knew, as soon as the flap came down, that I was in for an E-Ticket ride; and after the sweat was over, I was certain that some subtle, yet powerful shift had taken place. This was confirmed for me when, for the entire next day, I had almost no energy whatsoever. This is odd for me, because generally I feel charged the day after a sweat.

Yesterday morning I woke up sweating and feeling a slight chill. I attributed this to processing what had happened in the lodge and a heavy cold due to recent stress. My calendar at work “mysteriously” cleared the day before, so, taking my wife’s advice, I called in sick.

After feeding the cats and attending to a couple of morning chores I went back to bed. As I was lying there, I decided to open up to the healing energy as I’ve done whenever I’ve given myself Reiki. I lay there, feeling very highly connected to the living energy and Spirit’s presence. I asked Spirit to let the energy flow gently, so I could process it; and in my head I heard a voice very loudly and clearly say the word “LOVE”.

Then everything went silent.

I drifted off to sleep shortly afterwards. I dreamt that my wife and I were in bed. She was sitting there in a white silk robe looking 20 years younger. Her skin was almost pure white, and she was radiant. The blinds were up, and the sunlight was streaming into the room. My head was in her lap, and she started doing some Reiki work with me. Then, she took her fingers and began to press, gently but firmly, into my eye sockets, just above my eyes; a technique I’ve learned to relieve tension headaches. It felt amazing, and I could sense the energy flowing through her fingers and through my brain.

I immediately woke up. I had the slightest headache, which left after a couple of minutes, but the cold, and my emotional issues, were completely gone.

My gratitude for this healing is beyond words. Even now, if I sit quietly for a few moments, I can feel the living energy flowing through me; and I am greatly aware of my interconnectedness with everything.

What a blessing it is to be a part of so much love. . .

Recovery. . .

“I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”

-T.S.Elliot

“The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

I’m walking a brighter path these days.  In ways both subtle and obvious, this is evinced to me on an almost daily basis.  This morning’s example revealed itself in the passing glance of a stranger.

As I type this, my wife is at the airport waiting for a flight to Ohio.  She’s heading out for a workshop this weekend, and leaving me behind to catsit and putter to my heart’s content.  The workshop is focused on the creation of therapeutic laughter.  It’s the kind of simple and beautiful madness I’ve come to love both in the world and the way my wife dances through it.  There’s a touch of Heyoka in her, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I’ll lay low now and wrestle with the head cold and wildly swinging body temperatures keeping me home from work.  It’s blankets, hot tea, and movies for the lion’s share of the day.

When we kissed goodbye at the terminal, I noticed a woman standing by the door, smoking a cigarette in the early morning breeze. A quick smile flashed across her face as she watched us say goodbye.  It struck me a few minutes later, as I crossed the bridge on 95, that the woman’s smile was Spirit’s way of acknowledging the bond between my wife and myself – a little joy and a spark of light in what is often a very cold and lonely world.

And then, I missed her…

And here’s the interesting part.  In the past, whenever I’ve missed someone, it’s been a horrible and jagged-edged experience.  Now, however, it’s a healthy thing; a realization of how much I’ve been blessed.  The more I miss my wife, the more grateful I am for having her in my life…and for finally having come to a place where I can easily recognize and accept this.

The Lazarus comparison, it seems, is apropos.

“First you heal yourself,” the old shamans tell us, “…and then you heal the world.”

I think the first step is finally underway. . .